digital diary ⋆⭒˚.⋆ 03/09/26

good morning :D 

its currently 3 : 33 am and im sooooo tired but there's a few things that happened today that bothered me a lot and that I need to get off my chest before I can ( hopefully ) fall asleep. 

so as you might know, my best friend her boyfriend and I live together but my best friend wants to break up with her boyfriend soon. I fully support her in whatever she thinks is best to make her happy but I am also very sad because the breakup will eventually result in me losing her boyfriend as well and we've actually become pretty good friends. he's become such an important person in my life which, fair considering we've been living together for a year. 

anyway, I talked to her boyfriend a LOT today because he obviously needs to talk about his feelings regarding our unfortunate situation too and he told me a few things my best friend told him that really upset me ;(

firstly, she wants to move out together with me in February even tho we have our flat until July next year and she didn't even talk to me about it and whatever she wants inevitably ly happens if I dont want to lose her. the worst thing about this though is that she decided she wants to do a flat share with one to two other people and im genuinely annoyed with her because isn't that something she should talk to me about first ??? I mean id be okay with living with other people but I dont like getting to know people, im so shy and anxious, how am I supposed to actually enjoy my own space the first few months when I have to live with strangers ??? 

she also told him something that really hurt me :( she said that if we dont find a place that fits both our needs by february, we'd have to live separately for a while and I am just so upset by that. literally yesterday she told me that shes so happy to be living with me because realistically, our tents are the only time that that's possible so why on earth is she thinking about living with other people, with or without me ??? 

I also came to the realisation that she lowkey lied when she said I would always come first for her. the entire time the three of us have been living together, she spent most of her time with her boyfriend closed off in her room. it didn't really bother me THAT much and when she started spending more time with me again recently, I didn't really think much about it. I was just so happy and naive because I just thought that she missed me in the month we haven't seen each other but then I realised that conveniently, she realised I exist again when she and her boyfriend are having issues. where did me always being more important to her go ???

I dont know, im probably just being dramatic and its not that serious bt I can't shake this weird disgusting feeling in my stomach and I just cannot fa asleep because I keep subconsciously thinking about everything she did to ( unwillingly ) hurt me today. 

the last thing I want is to lose her, id be nothing and nobody without her but im starting to realise that this feeling might've been one sided all along ;( 

maybe I really won't ever be someones number one, ever. there is just too much wrong with me to be loved unconditionally. 

sorry, that was a very depressing entry but I just can't help feeing lost and co fused. I desperately need some structure in my life again, maybe that will give some meaning to this useless life that I am living.

so long and goodnight <3