It is not good that man should be alone

I have spent the majority of my life alone. I have never been in a relationship. I have never kissed a girl. I have never hugged a girl romantically. I have never held hands with a girl. I potentially have undiagnosed mental problems. I think that I may be neurodivergent, have body dysmorphia, social anxiety, or depression. I have had people in real life point out my physical appearance on multiple occasions which I have spent much of my life dealing with. But I don't really see looks as the main problem. I think personality matters more in the long run, but it has never been as simple as "Just get a new personality". If you put some effort into your looks, you can look reasonably better. But you can't really change your personality. If you don't like socialising, you don't like socialising. If you act a certain way, you act a certain way. If you are uninteresting, you are uninteresting. The NDpill is brutal. I have interests that very few people also find interesting. A lot of my identity revolves around these interests. I have found extremely few people, all of whom are males, who are vaguely interested in the same stuff. I have for years tried to talk about these things with other people, and I am met with people not paying attention to what I am actually saying, people telling me that I talk to much, or telling me that they are not interested. Because of this, I spend more and more time online, as it gives me the opportunity to spend as much time as I like talking about what I like, and hundreds of people will actually choose to listen to me. The problem is that I do not enjoy most things that would lead to one entering a relationship. To get a girlfriend you must spend a significant amount of time interacting with people who would consider a relationship with you. I do not enjoy engaging in small talk with others or being in loud spaces I am unfamiliar with.

When I was younger I was bullied frequently. Sometimes I had people physically attack me and mock me in front of others to the extent where I only had a single friend, and hated almost everyone else I knew. When I was a child I had quite a few friends whom I eventually alienated myself from, and only some do I still keep in touch with today. I have a couple newer friends but I don't think even the best ones really get me on a fundamental level. Some of them I actually think subconsciously hate me, but I haven't really spoken with them in a few months. I haven't done much this summer even though I told myself I would. My days have consisted of waking up past midday, eating a bit, and being on my computer all day. I've done some stuff outside but not as much as I should have. I try to do things and they just don't work out. Nothing ever works out. I can't have anything good in life. I lost my cat a couple of weeks ago. Once a girl around my age began messaging me on Instagram. She had only spoken to me a couple of times in real life. She told me she made a Valentine's Day card for me, though she never showed it to me. I began to act a bit more like myself and eventually she ghosted me. I turns out she has a boyfriend. Whether she always had one, or got one in between our conversations I am unaware, but nonetheless it felt unnecessarily cruel and I sort of changed my disposition towards relationships after that. 

Childhood was the best time of my life. Only after the advent of puberty does the true brutality of human nature show its face. Life will become a bitter and unfair struggle for self-worth. Before that moment in time, I was just playing as a child, oblivious to my dark and unseemly future. Life is such a cruel joke, it's insulting. And yet, it's so beautiful. Something I want most in life is to have children of my own, maybe because I want to relive childhood even if it's from a different perspective.

When school ends I hope to go to university, but I don't think things will change. I never really speak with other people unless spoken to, and when spoken to I usually speak as little as possible. It's not necessarily that I don't want to speak, I just can't think of anything to say. When I am a part of a social interaction I just can't think of any words, and sometimes, to make it seem like I'm offering something to the interaction, I end up just repeating the same thing. I'll probably spend most of this life alone but at least it's only temporary. An ND KHHV and a Chad will both die and both be judged by the same Jesus Christ; so none of this really matters. Maybe that's just cope but literally everything is cope. I have no interest in making a lot of money. Earthly money is meaningless. I have no interest in looksmaxxing. Hardmaxxing is a sin anyway. The only thing that's keeping me going at this point is Christianity. The only reason I get out of bed in the morning is because I know there is an omnipotent, omniscient, all-loving God who sent His only Son to die on the Cross for His sheep who exists and loves me.

Genesis 2:18
And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

Job 7:4-11
When I lie down, I say, When shall I arise, and the night be gone? and I am full of tossings to and fro unto the dawning of the day.
My flesh is clothed with worms and clods of dust; my skin is broken, and become loathsome.
My days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle, and are spent without hope.
O remember that my life is wind: mine eye shall no more see good.
The eye of him that hath seen me shall see me no more: thine eyes are upon me, and I am not.
As the cloud is consumed and vanisheth away: so he that goeth down to the grave shall come up no more.
He shall return no more to his house, neither shall his place know him any more.
Therefore I will not refrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

Romans 8:18
For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

Revelation 21:4
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.