Everything i write right know is written with care for my friends and other. I dont hate her at all, i truly care about her, but i really need to rant about this. Also sorry for writing mistakes.Β
So i have a close friend of mine who is very religious and likes to follow the traditional gender roles(not that thats anything bad about that in general), but i think her thoughts on queer people and gender roles is a bit bad and its lowkey starting to hurt me(mentally ofc). So for the last times ive been talking to her, she has been saying som weird and brutal things to me. I hate this as i know she doesnt mean any harm and just wants to understand, but i think she forgets that im queer and a demigirl, so her thoughts get really brutal and said with no care.Β
She told me stuff like how she didnt understand how extreme masc lesbians didnt just change gender, how pansexual and nonbinary people doesnt actually exist and how she and one of her friends thinks that trans people are sick in the head...
With me being non labeled and demi girl, this really hurt, as she is literally saying who i am cant exist and i think its insane to say someone is sick in the head just for trying to feel comfortable in their own body, a feeling i know damn well. Ive told her why some people like myself are queer. I told her that trans and non binary people cant relate with their born gender no matter how much alike the gender they are. Ive told her that the gender roles we have today, is just something thats been pushed on to us for all these years, but she keeps going on about how its biological, so we cant actually be like this. Which i think is just insane, because thats not how it works and ive told her that, but she just wont listen...
When i came out to her, i had to explain what i meant when saying im non labeled and a demi girl. i told her that i like both genders, but dont want to push myself into a stereotype, how i dont actually belive we should have labels at all(i still understand why we have them) and how i just dont feel comfortable being called bi or anything else, because thats not who i am. Then she keeps saying im bi... like no girl what are you even on about.Β
She also told me how she wish more girls were feminine, because we are fewer feminine people on this earth. Which i dont think is true as more men have become more feminine than masculine(which is great that people can be themself), but i know she wont like it if i use that as an argument, because she wish it were girls being feminine instead. The worst thing though is how she said that no one cares anymore if anyones gay, which is far from the truth as you are here caring more about what sexuality i am than myself and still not accepting me.Β
I now cant really talk to her without thinking about this(also because thats like half our convos right know), which is really bad, because i kind of get disgusted about how she can think like that about others. I still want to be friends with her though. I mean she is one of the sweetest people i know, but her meanings are literally making me feel disgusted about myself and that i shouldnt be who i am. I really dont know what to do, as we both are also in the same theater and i know none of us are going to quit anytime soon. This is also making me wondering about how other people around me are going to react. Like i havent come out to my parents, which is now really scary to me...
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s.c.o.t.t.i.e
Older LGBTQIA+ folk here, and I have some things to say about this that I think will really be insightful for your friend.Β
> Ancient Greeks and Romans where known for being openly gay, bisexual, and lesbian (rarely where they labeled anything else). Infact even their gods where known to be part of the lgbtqia+ and they where often told stories about them being lgbtqia+. Lgbtqia+ is in many ancient religions dating far back from Christianity and their gods and people lived amongst lgbtqia+ values. This includes being polyamorous even if you look at old greek and greko-roman life styles.Β
--Β Romosexuality β embracing queer sex and love in Ancient times
-- Homosexuality in ancient Greece
> Transgender is a biological factor. When you are in your parents womb, estrogen is sent to the child from the mother. Typically, if the child is found to be a girl, more estrogen is sent to the baby to increase estrogen progression in the child. However, sometimes the body misses a signal and sends more estrogen to a biologically male baby. Because of these confused signals, a biological male baby is born with a biological female brain (there are small differences in biological female and biological male brains, even as small as color receptors), and ends up becoming transgender and transitioning. A biological female baby may not get enough estrogen, and then grows a biological male brain.Β
-- Causes of Gender Dysphoria
> Nonbinary and genderqueer (just to use two major labels) are not new and there are many ancient people who identified with these labels, they just at the time did not have a word for these labels. Although often, these recorded cases where more for intersex individuals. These individuals have been known for centuries and where given many names. Intersex is a third, biological, nonbinary sex and gender that is naturally occurring due to a XXY/XXX/XYY chromosome occurrence. The reason why many don't see it is because most people take on either being male or female, and many parents in modern day decided based on genitalia what gender the child will be while growing up.Β
--A Brief History of Nonbinary Gender: From Ancient Times to the Early Modern Period
-- Human Biology Is Not Binary
> As for her view on there being fewer feminine women, as a someone who studied digital media, gender, psychology, and sociology in college: traditional femineity is not going away. It sounds to me like her environment is making her think that these traditional values are going away. If anything, there are two major groups: traditional and modern. Traditional usually holds women to a more feminine value and men to a more traditionally masculine value. Modernism is where we break into masculine women, masculine men, feminine women, feminine men, and androgynous. Yes, it is not like the 1950's where every woman is feminine to the extreme, but there are still plenty of feminine women in the world.Β
All of that to say, please be who you are and do not let her effect you and who you are. You are valid, from one demi-girl to another you are completely valid. As a bisexual, although I know you don't identify with that label, you are also valid in your sexuality. Your gender identity and sexuality are yours to own, they cannot be defined by anyone else. I know it can be very pressuring to have someone like that around you, but maybe showing her some facts will make her understand that gender is not just male/female and sexuality is not just straight.Β
I am sending you ALL MY POSITIVE VIBES, and please remember you're VALID!
seaoforcas
it's really hard to have a friend that doesn't understand how you feel about yourself and what others might feel. if you are comfortable with it you could bring up how her comments are making you feel. even if her values make it difficult to understand queer identity and gender identity, if she's a kind person she should understand that her words can be hurtful. it's okay to disagree but if her words are hurting you then that is not okay. don't ever feel ashamed of your identity and your sexuality :)
xXbanana_breadXx
Just because she's usually a sweet person doesn't mean she can't have terrible and hurtful takes. If what she says hurt you, that you've talked to her about it and that she doesn't listen/doesn't change, then she might not be as sweet as you think she is.
Don't be ashamed of who you are because of what she says, you're free to be whoever you want to be as long as you're not harming anyone, if anything, she should be ashamed of herself for making her "friend" feel that way about themselves.
it's a tough situation I hope you'll be able to fix things with her!
-bora
Thanks ill try, if not teather will be real awkward lol
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Noi
I'm really sorry to hear you had to go through that with someone. That is completely unacceptable behavior on your part, and I hope things either get better between you two or you can part ways peacefully.
Thanks bud!!
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