The expectation of stupidity

I feel pressured to be dumb, and yes. I am aware of the whole literacy crisis in the younger generations. I am likely a part of that, but I enjoy reading and am currently reading Frankenstein by Mary Shelley.

I'm off topic.

For the majority of my life, I've felt like an outcast among those around me. And, of course, there are various other variables responsible for this. Those are all boring.

The main one I could never understand was the expectation of stupidity. It felt like my peers, while being few in number, largely expected me to act stupid. The flow of conversation expected me to act a specific way and ask specific questions. Of not? Sighs and grumbles or stunned expressions. They didn't like talking about media critically, reading books, dissecting games, or talking with nuance, which isn't an issue if it's some of these things at a time. But always?

You seriously want to talk about Love Island? Or the World Cup? You genuinely want to not talk about the media we've consumed but list them and say 'wow, I haven't seen that.'? You don't play story games or see value in them? You hear about things on tiktok/reel/an algorithm and take them as fact?

I've always had a desire to talk about things in depth. It makes conversation less anxiety-inducing, but in an effort to fit in, I didn't. Being socially rejected enough times does that.

Now I'm stuck between both worlds. People who are capable of conversations and people who aren't. I can barely hold a conversation, and my 'small talk' suffers greatly. I don't know how to talk to people 'normally'.

I have a desire to be more literate. Read more books, think more. I've attempted to quit watching short-form content and look at the world more critically because it makes me feel like a person

But, then again, I will be isolated. I will have no one in my real life to talk to. I won't know the references that seem to make up most conversations; I'll be out of the loop. Alone.

Is it worth it? 13-year-old me didn't think so, and I think it stunted my maturity somehow. I feel dumb around intelligent individuals; I listen more than I speak. And if I do ever get the chance, I know I won't be capable of expressing myself the way I want to.

Suffer with the majority or suffer with the minority. What great options.