I have a love hate relationship with guitar. I've never played guitar in front of someone and been considered even slightly impressive, but i like the thought of doing so. I don't play anything on guitar that i think of in my head, its only whenever i grab the guitar and find the chords i've been strumming for years do i find the notes for a song, and even then, the song is ass.
music brings shame. i dont know why i keep making it. nobody respects the kind of stuff i make, i think they think im fucking crazy. i stopped promoting my things a while ago, and i don't know how to feel about it. On one hand, i should probably be promoting my things if i want anyone to see them, but i value not opening myself up to criticism or ridicule disguised as it. The only place i get to tell what i think of anything, besides here, is in a song. I make songs because i like how the notes sound, not because i want to vent. i think venting is corny too, thats why this blog exists. realistically, i probably would be way worse if i didnt write these things out. It's not the writing itself, i think im banking on the possibility of finding someone who just completely gets me and relates entirely to what i've experienced. that'll probably never happen, though. can you sense my hope?
i enact fictional music videos in my head with the stuff i make. this is really the only reason i make anything, this brings me the most joy. the possibility that one day ill be making a music video, with actually good effects, and a decent camera, brings me the most joy out of any part of the music making process. It's the only thing that nobody has made fun of me in this "hobby" i keep subjecting myself to. I don't like making melodies, because either nobody understands that a song doesn't necessarily need a lead, or it gets compared to "video game music." Every time i hear that term, i genuinely want to uninstall my daw and take up painting. At least nobody could take away my joy in painting, because i wouldnt show my paintings to anyone.
sometimes i contemplate why i still make music at all. I also hate that term; "make music." I think i hate every single part of the process...i think i feel like that one tennis player, except i make no fucking money. I'll never see my name on any list of "chicago ug artists." I'll never be mentioned in someone's "favorite artists" list. I'll never just unironically hear, "this is good." I think, for my entire life, ive been trying to hear that, and at the beginning of the year, i just gave up. I've talked about me quitting my music stuff before, but i did in fact quit the project i had been working on for three years. my friend said nobody was listening to my stuff, and the insult resonated with me so much i just quit. I'll probably never get back into it, either. Putting every ounce of effort into a project just for it to get 60 views and one like isnt equivalent exchange for me, and even when I was ""popular'" i fucking fell off and fell back to getting 100 views if i uploaded anything. I spent 5 months on a project for 100 views and i took it down. It genuinely makes me want to die. there's nothing, to me, as demoralizing. Maybe i'm putting to much emphasis and worth on youtube views, maybe what you're thinking is right, maybe, maybe, maybe. however, for mostly better and less worse, you and I don't hold the same values. Songs that are arguably and inagurably worse than mine getting more popular than mine do make me want to learn more about the process, to replicate the songs i like and the things that get popular...just to end up with one view anyway. If i peed in a toilet and recorded it, i'd get more views.
im not begging for views anymore. im sorry, i probably sound really materialistic and shallow, it's just been a dream of mine and i kind of blew it. Is this 40 year old dudes with dreams of a start up company feel? trying to explain how i feel without being shakespearian and saying "a great weight has been enclosed above my very being," is challenging, it makes me not want to do anything and rot and die. it feels like i put a lot of unrecoverable time and effort into nothing. I don't know why i entertain myself with visions of grandeur ill never obtain, maybe it's to keep myself from doing what i said earlier, maybe it's just something i've always done, maybe, maybe, maybe.
unlike most things, im sure everyone that has done what i do has realized this, and that's why there's so many people who say, "oh i used to do x or y or z." I'm sure ill probably end up like everyone else. i don't really know why i thought id blow up, honestly. I don't even get people interested enough to read these...maybe i should have better hooks. i kind of miss when i didnt care about being popular and just made the things i wanted to make. I miss my friends i made music with.
I havent cried in years. I want to. i just genuinely havent experienced anything so emotionally moving that i felt like crying. There's plenty of things to cry about. I'd go into listing things, but that's what the blog is for. I edit these a lot before i post them, but i probably wouldnt have a blog if i just cried all the time. Id probably do it in private...hopefully. Or, maybe id have an even more expansive blog that details everything from my life. I don't really know.
i've talked about this before, but this relates more to the music thing, so i'll put it in music context. the thing i said before, about not seeing my name in local lists, saddens me more than anything. because the worst part is that I see people who make music in my area, even as close as my school. In my classes. and i cant talk to any of them over music because im too ashamed of the whole "rapping" thing. nobody really likes my beats, i've offered to make beats for free and the offer got rejected. This all probably stems from my search for constructive criticism and self improvement. i never asked for compliments, just on what i could improve on. i think i shouldve just asked if the people i was showing my stuff too liked it or not. I genuinely cant think of one time someone i showed my stuff too genuinely enjoyed what they were hearing. I don't really have a community outside of youtube. realistically, i shouldve expected my feelings now doing what i did then, but again, hindsight bias is 20/20. the advice didnt even help, either.
it doesnt bring me joy, and ill probably never be popular after blowing my opportunities music wise. I want to cry into my teddy bear and fall asleep and not be bothered with the rest of the week. i can't stand looking at my guitar, but i keep playing it anyway. what's wrong with me? I know ill never accomplish my goals, but i forget that fact and try anyway, getting disappointed more and more in the process. At least you know how i feel, the nonexistent audience.
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