i am caged inside of my mind and the lights are off

I KNOWWW I did something wrong in that relationship. I do really know. But I hate them so much that I can’t see it. I don’t want to stick to my opinion of ‘fuck them I did nothing wrong’ because I pride myself on being a better person, and I know that I must have done something wrong, but I just can’t FUCKING FIND IT. I CAN’T. I hope to go to therapy soon because I KNOWW I did bad things and that I must LEARN what those bad things were and understand that they were bad so I can move on. The thing that makes you terrible, despite whatever you’ve done in the past, is looking it in the face and still thinking that you are correct. My mind is doing exactly that, so I refuse to settle with it because I know it’s wrong; but I simply cannot do this alone. I think that there is a monstrous, violent side to me that does whatever it wants and thinks whatever it pleases and it seeps into my side of the mind as if I would ever dare to agree. 

I want to agree. It would be so much easier to just be a horrible abuser who never looks back at his actions and always thinks he’s correct. But I hold myself up to the standard of not being a pathetic worm, so I think I’ll just get therapy instead. 

I wrote a letter. A whole letter. So that certainly means I did something wrong if I admitted to it in a letter, and I do think I did things wrong. I have bad mood swings and changes in opinion every hour to the point where I am almost never fully ‘stable’. In an hour’s time I could say ‘this blog is stupid, I know exactly what I did wrong! I was terrible!’ And then continue on in my life, but I fear what’ll happen if my mind does not go back to that familiar mood. This feeling of violent denial, one I cannot control, is disturbing and I hate it and I know that it is bad and I know that I am wrong. But I find a part of my ‘good’ self agreeing with it. Just very slightly. But I’ll never go back down that dark path and hurt people ever again. My mind could say that I was completely correct and I could believe it and I’d still rather get help. I do think there is a different between simply having a belief and acting like it, and to me as a mentally ill person that distinction is very important. 

Do you know how it feels when your mind blurs things out? When it twists the past in your favour even when, logically, you know that what you remember is incorrect? I think it’s trying to save me from collapse by making me forget all of my bad actions and lulling me back into the anger I’ve had ever since I was young. That destructive anger that’s given me a mean streak for years. But the collapse has already came and I have been reborn and yet that anger is trying to drag me back. I hope to let it go and be logical. What’s worse than someone who’s done bad things is someone who still believes that they were correct. I will not be the unintelligent latter.