i don’t know how to title these

having another sit down with myself tonight and thinking about the barrier that envelops the majority of the people that make up society and how outside of that i feel. it’s like an invisible layer of energy that desperately pushes me out like the skin will reject a splinter or an incompatible piercing or something like that. it’s as if this layer sees my attempts at introducing myself into the crowd as viral or malignant. 

social skills come as such an unnatural trait for me. something i can’t even say is a “learned” skillset because somehow in all two decades i’ve lived so far i’ve still not ever managed to fully master a single one. it feels like i know everything on a studial level, but in practise, somehow, someone almost always notices the imperfections or the lack of birthright integrity. you know, the oiled movements that (should) come from simply being born as a human person. people born with that innate ability always seem to be able to sniff out inconsistencies in the people who weren’t. 

it always feels so edgy whenever i try to articulate this in words, lol. lately i’ve been feeling pretty apathetic towards nearly everything in my life. i don’t see any point in a lot of it, but i’ve been trying to keep myself active anyways. i don’t want to fall back into negative habits no matter how horrible anhedonia can get. 

it’s kind of painstaking to try and get yourself to do something you just don’t want to do so badly it feels like you can’t, though. that’s a feeling everyone probably knows quite well. if i had it my way with how my life was lived things would be a lot different than they are now. though, a lot of the changes i would make would eventually become pretty unhealthy and unsustainable, i’m sure. 

i don’t have any future prospects, i don’t have any consistent hobbies, and for the ones i at least have an idea of, i don’t have the energy to put into any of them. i try and build them into my own mind by repeatedly stating the intention or making the preparations to get them going, but all of that is easier than actually doing it. 

i can’t say i don’t have a life, though. i’m in a relationship with someone i can say i truly love, i’m in school, when i get back to work i might be getting a promotion, during the summer i’m responsible for taking care of a family member; i mean those are all things that factor into a ‘normal’ life so to speak. 

but i still don’t feel like i factor into anything ‘lively’. unless you actually listen to what i have to say instead of trying to read my face, tone or body language (which, hardly display any sort of movement at all), i’m not exactly the world’s best candidate for “guy you should totally socialise with if you want to have a good time.” i’m probably as functionally asocial as it gets.

but that’s probably why people get along with me best in online spaces. tone is up to interpretation, sure, but that’s the thing. you can interpret a tone through text; it’s harder to overwrite a tone you can ‘clearly’ hear. you can read my words, you can usually get what i’m trying to say. if not, i can place some sort of indicator or something, and then the tone can shift entirely. that’s not something that can be done with voice unless you forcibly change the entire sound, or with the face unless you figure out the right combination of muscle contractions that’ll really sell what you’re trying to express.

i don’t really know. i was contemplating for a while before writing this if i even should, let alone if i should post it on a public site. but this is my blog, i’ll do what i want with it. it’s not like i’m venting, even if the content seems terribly edgy and cringe lol 👍