I dont know what to do with myself in the future

(Tw: mentions of suicide)

Nowadays i think and worry a bit about what im going to do in the future. Now in 8th grade everything is starting to get somewhat serious like now we are slowly focusing on jobs and later on we have to do an internship somewhere. Plus the stuff we learn in class slowly start to get more complex and harder. Im starting to realize that. Im kinda scared to be honest and a little lost.

With these new and complicated subjects in school i hope i have the willpower to keep on studying. I might think they are hard now but i guess i should just try my best as always. But i might get really depressed from studying. My mom has told me to study and to get good grades, saying she expects a good grade. And if i dont she wont accept me as her child and will forever be disappointed. Im sure anyone with asian parents can understand this. So i get really nervous on an exam and hope that i didnt get it wrong. Im considered the smartest in my class and lots of people have said "Wow youre so smart" "Of course you got a good grade" or "Youre smart why are you worrying about the exam if you always get an a". Well how the hell should i know if i got an a? Maybe i failed and didnt get everything right. Theres always this kind of pressure so i try to study, but im scared of the new subjects that we are gonna learn.

My mom has also tried to convince me to get a nursing job since she herself is a nurse and it pays pretty well. She has even said i could study and become and engineer and after that i can do what ever i want. She has told me that so many times to the point where i cant answer truthfully from the bottom of my heart what i wanted to be. I really dont like my moms way of thinking cause she doesnt consider what i want to do and just wants to dictate what things i should and shouldnt do. I have no idea what i actually want to be. There are so many jobs and so many careers to choose from and most of them seem boring to me. Im 100% sure that if i become a nurse i will become miserable with all the night shifts, stress, pressure, patient deaths and the like. If after my nursing job i could do whatever i want my interest and zest for life has already gone down the drain. I have considered possible simple jobs like working as a waiter, hairstylist, shop assistant bla bla bla. Ive maybe thought about working in adult entertainment. But either most of them dont pay well or im to stupid for some of these jobs. I really cannot picture myself working a job and living in a constant, draining, repeating routine. I would certainly go crazy.

Ive thought about commiting suicide. Maybe after graduating school, maybe some time before graduation, maybe when im an adult. If things dont go my way and i start becoming miserable i will find a way to commit suicide. Well right now im trying to think positive and try not to think much about the future. Cause if im feeling good in the present then it will influence how i feel in the future, so if im feeling good now i will feel good later in the future. And when im in the right mindset in the future then i wont have any problems with choosing what i will do next after school. Thats what i like to think. At this moment im actually doing quite good. More better than before actually. Hope that i can keep it up and see later what happens.