its takes a lot to even think about deleting instagram just by how addicting it is with algorithm feeding you such garbage 100%. But, mostly i kind of moved away from instagram and announced on both accounts where one is for people i know from high school; people ik from community college. I always went back and forth this was only social networking site I had contact with most people. But, now I just have this empty hole now that I felt like those connections I made were useless as I tried to make some sort of connection but they'd usually be left as delivered or read by most people; and I wouldn't get a reply back. I was literally following anybody from the top of social hierarchy to the lowest in school. I did say I was going to move here, and had openly said to join this site, but no one came but one which I do appreciate <3.
Now I have no contact to those people , honestly was it all the energy to actively keep because I did not want be my self 24/7 as an only child. I really don't get it anymore , was it the following and likes was with it to keep this false sense of friendship that I thought I had because I wanted be close and not be lonely by myself.
With that said, I do take accountability that 90% is my fault since I choose to accept the exclusion an not by first instance just leave...but NO. I had to "beg" certain people to accept me because I couldn't stand being pushed out. But I do feel it is my fault because I misbehave when I feel mistreated and not being equally giving the same energy back from those people to yet giving so much energy on other people that ik who used to i consider friend, which then led to feeling excluded. I dont know its just my behavior reaches to a point where I act out that I'm not being treated equally as to them treating other people in a different way. I have tried therapy but due to my classes being really busy; i have not time to actually talk to my therapist. Even my guy friend are horrible at giving advice cuz theyre really religious or dont even look out for me at most (except for a very very very few i still have contact which is 2 which I think they'll find better people)
Look, there is nothing wrong having multiple friend groups; but me I dont have a really strong friend groups at best for several years, not even one. I wait for the friends I do still have contact with to get to me when the "wheel" is complete, yet it always goes back and forth. Idk if im being a narcissist, toxic, hypocrite, liar, victim blamer/self victimizer; I really just dont know. And the people who do reach out turned out to be the most boundary crossing people I have ever seen when I tell them "no", they keep pushing me to hate them when I didn't initially once they started to getting on my nerves. Im really confused at whos at fault because if its me , im self victimizing but if blame others , im considered as someone who isnt taking accountability, i have so many mixed thoughts that I cant think clearly.
My only option is to move out and transfer to get a fresh start away from people that knew me in my hometown area and avoid people whom are from there once I move. I dont wanna see these people cuz some of em alwats pop once i move schools or move community colleges, I DONT WANNA SEE THEM ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!; i dont whats going in my mind rn; im internally in chaos to what my thoguhts are.
I should be studying rn but i just cant have the right headspace since some of those people are there i can sense their fakenss and make me feel stupid that m entire reputation is abd,. I just wanna bang my head idkf'o13rbjv13jboiviorebvio 3rwbibve2 i23 I HATE IT HERE
(if you reached the end, thx for reading my vent <3)
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Akrius
Okay, I’ll briefly describe my own experience. If you state your needs and the facts, you’re not portraying yourself as a victim. Always stick to the facts. If you don’t feel good and people are objectively treating you badly, that’s the reality. If they don’t lift you up and you can’t be yourself around them—not even with your friends—you need to avoid them. Detachment and solitude are the hardest, but most important, steps. When you’re alone, you’ll find yourself—even if it’s hard. And then, at any moment, you might happen to meet someone with whom you truly click without any effort. You won’t have to pretend to be someone else or put on a show—just be yourself. Look for that. There won’t be many people like that, and it’s not your fault; true friendship is always a rare treasure. Larger communities—like classes, etc.—will fade away sooner or later anyway, once they’re no longer bound by a common goal, city, etc.
.You seem like the kind of guy I used to be—and still am—who craves honesty and wants not only to give to the relationship but also to receive something in return. And that’s completely normal—and that’s how it should be; you don’t need a therapist for that. When I didn’t feel comfortable in a group—which was usually the case—I didn’t care about them. In fact, even if it hurt a little at first, sooner or later I came to enjoy being different. I don’t want to write a novel—though I could—but I’ll keep it short. If someone doesn’t add anything to your life, cut them out. You can even delete them. Focus on the few, on new people, and on yourself, and everything will be fine. You can also look for offline hobbies—you’ll find more genuine people there than in online groups. And avoid trying to please people unnecessarily. Just be yourself. It's hard, but the people who love you will love you best that way. Even I still have to learn this.