i think i hate summer

TW// This post includes talk of mental ilness and what it may entail (gross fluids, eating unhealthy foods, sh, poor self-image, isolation, SA is implied but not detailed and more.)

Some years ago I was pretty upset since, I was going through something and left school, going no contact with friends that I had for years at that moment. There was no specific explanation why I felt so bad, I just genuinely thought everyone was out to get me so I just spent my days at my room barely speaking to my family, bedrotting, I used to even try to eat RAW meat, like crazy stuff were going through my brain, I almost got food poisoning a couple times, I had bags of all kinds of gross things (no shit at least), blood, pads, rotten food, it was disgusting.

I spent almost a year like that, unable to look anyone in the face, I tried to study again but I just decided it wasn't my year and I started self-harming again for a couple months.

Suddenly, one day, my mom tells me to clean my room and helps me do it, and I take this, needed, long and warm shower, everything smells clean and nice, is the body wash my sister has always used so is a familiar smell, and I look at myself in the mirror and is like, Wow, I used to look so disgusting before that shower.

Knots on my hair, sweat, blood, crust on my wounds, disgusting. I had the BIGGEST dark circles and I had lost weight again so. I said, I'm kind of tired of feeling this helpless. I'm tired of being unable to look at my own family in the eyes, It used to be comforting to feel so bad for a while but now it was like a little bug following everywhere stuck on my skin, stinging and poisoning me anytime I dared to think anything more for myself.

I had no friends since, I went no contact in all of them and lots of them decided that it just wasn't a good idea to have me in their life since I was clearly in a bad space and they didn't want to get infected with all my bullshit and honestly I totally get it. Is just, sometimes I wished someone would have tried to text me and ask me how I was doing. It was just total silence for a long time, but there wasn't time for me to keep victimizing myself. 

So, I studied again, in my same school, tried doing things right, I only got the encouragement of my internet friends but It was okay. I worked MY ASS, tried to keep my room mostly clean, eat healthy again, spend more time with my family. I was doing good, of course there were bad days but it was mostly good.

Then my old friend in the past talked to me that he was at my town since, everyone on my year or up had left my small town to study outside. He didn't tell he had moved out and that was at the time a big downer for me, but I accepted, I saw other ex-classmates, they saw my face for the first time since I hid it for years and well.

I fixed things with, every single person that have hurt me in the past, except the multiple people made me feel sick to my stomach, unable to wear underwear because everything near that place would make me feel so uncomfortable on my skin, And honestly to this day, It has been a hopeful last years.

But sometimes I still feel that fear when I talk to people, sometimes some of them still make people go with me to make sure I'm okay and It makes me so annoyed. I don't appreciate when none of my friends tell me about what they THINK was going on through those years because, you weren't there, man.

So yeah, yesterday at a b-day, I was at a common hang out spot, a huge park/field, sitting on a blanket in the ground with my friends, another group arrived, and I saw to the other side and I found one of my old classmates. This guy was with me in the same class of the year I had dropped out. He didn't recognize me of course, I was wearing a mask for like 2 years after the pandemic.

I was a nervous wreck, I wanted to play it for laughs so I just said is because I used to have a crush on him, but the thought of talking to someone from those years made me stressed out, because I was a disgusting person,  I wasn't in contact with reality. I hated everyone and myself and at the same tiem I felt so sorry for EVERYONE who had the bad luck of talking with someone as lost and creepy and weird as me, he didn't even go to SEE my face.

So, when I thought I was going to leave soon, I talked to him and he looked happy. I updated him in all the things that happened to our classmates that stayed on the town, we laughed because we actually share the same birth day, same day, same year, same hospital (crazy. right)

And I left, he hugged me and I said I hope to see him soon, he said that hopefully yes, I went home, did my skincare and went to sleep.

And I got to the conclusion that I hate summer, because is the time where everyone I knew once comes back and reminds me of the time where Ik them, usually sad, depressing, moments of my life. And once it finishes, all my friends go out my town to study outside again. And obviously I'm okay now, but is kind of the reminder of how everyone is living their lives and experimenting with it while I stay here, stuck in the same place, too afraid to get out of this place.