It isn't a surprise, I'm sure. I hate being responsible for someones wellbeing. I hate being responsible for...anyone.
I'm a very solitary person. I struggle to make and keep friends. I dislike talking to people, socializing is hard for me, I have lots of schizoid tendencies...you get the gist of the type of person I am. It's hard for me to reach out, have a conversation. Comforting is hell. I barely feel my own emotions - trying to fix someone else's emotions is an insurmountable task.
I have a girlfriend. I don't know how. She fell in love with me, I had a passive crush on her for a year, and one day we got together. I feel like I should leave her - it'd be the moral thing to do. Why would I keep someone stuck in a committed relationship to me, of all people? Keeping her tethered to me is cruel - But I know I can't. She isn't well, and the heartbreak of someone who she thought was completely enraptured by her could push her over the edge. She's barely hanging onto the cliff as it is, and I don't want to be the one to make her let go.
I've been unsocialable for my whole life. As a child I ran away from kids during recess, I'd much rather run around the field alone until my legs hurt, and in middle school I would sit in the tiny mandarin classroom on my laptop all day, ignoring all my friends who I didn't like. Not even less than a year ago, I'd steal away from lunch to watch shows on my phone in the school bathroom. I guess I'm still like that, waiting for the prime opportunity to walk away and be on my own yet again. I don't text, I don't call, I don't write, not unless I have to.
I guess this is all to say that I...hate relationships, and I'm awful at keeping them, and I don't think anybody deserves the displeasure of putting up with me.
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Will !!!!!! :>
I feel a very similar problem to you, although i kinda developed my solitary involuntary.. i was always pushed out of friend groups growing up or treated poorly by them if i stayed, so i naturally just stopped hanging out with people and never actually LEARNED to be social.
I think separating yourself from the crowd for so long definitely does affect you as a person. I have such a hard time keeping up with people and i often have to force myself to communicate and stay in the loop because my social battery never needed TO exist. It’s really hard to begin to care for other people if you’ve only had to pay attention to yourself yk?
i’ve only really started working on becoming social more recently and it’s not something that comes naturally to me at all, but i don’t think being anti-social is a curse. I think you just have to push yourself out of your norm for a while and exercise your social battery LOL it’s definitely exhausting but it’s been slowly working for me. It’s not a curse and you’re probably not a piece of shit LOL