i'm pathetic

i have nothing to do or talk about other than the fact that i feel as if i will never truly love myself the way that society tells me i should...

idk i don't think there will ever be a point in my life where i'll ever love myself enough to even care to treat myself well...like i don't treat myself well at all, i starve myself, i subject myself to witnessing horrible things, i ruin every relationship i have and pretend at the end of the day that i don't care...and idek if i'll ever find a partner or really anyone who doesn't just hang around me out of pity, even those types of people are starting to lose interest bc they're starting to realize..."oh they're just a horrible person and i shouldn't even waste my time with them"

idk i've been stuck in this headspace of believing i am just a horrible person by nature and that i will never change but then trying so hard to dig up anything from my childhood that i can remember that could have possiblly led me to the final product of the human i am today.

i mean i'm lazy and unempathetic but at the same time i have sooo much empathy but put it on the wrong things...like i'm probably borderline abusive tbh like i treat everyone and everything in my life like shit and then lock myself in my room and regret everything i ever said and done...

i'm just hashing all this out of my fucking brain bc i just can't understand why i am the way that i am...like why do i not care about anything?? myself, other people, my pets...like i care but not to a...normal human amount??? idek my brain is all over the fucking place right now...

like i just can't bring myself to like myself bc ik i'm a shitty person but don't even know why i am that way...i want to be good but then i just keep fucking something up that just brings me right back to square one, i have yet to have a normal relationship with anyone bc of this, i just want to be able to be normal and not worry about all of this idk...