I feel like no matter what I do, there's always an issue, and I'm just trying to exist.
I don't think I do anything really wrong. I make mistakes, sure, but usually they aren't ones that hurt people, because I'm careful and I care about everyone. I have never done anything to intentionally cause anyone any negative emotions.
For some reason though, no matter what I do, no matter how much I mature, no matter how many things about myself I try to change to be better for the people around me, there's always an issue. Someone's upset. Someone's complaining to someone else behind my back. I don't see the issues until they're brought up, but most of the time they're never even brought up to me.
It's always something entirely different too. It's never the same thing twice. There's always something new and it's always making someone upset. I would rather not exist if all I cause are problems. I don't even cause problems. But there's always a problem and there's always guilt. Just being alive as a person has caused me more guilt than any individual thing I've done. Being in someone's way. Doing ANYTHING wrong. Saying the wrong thing. Not contributing enough because I was distracted. I'm always in my own head, never anywhere else.
The issue this time is literally entirely JUST my personality. What am I supposed to do about that??? It's because of how I'm not a very talkative person. Just the Way I Am is causing issues? The only thing I'm doing wrong is just existing. Just being myself and living. I feel like that is entirely 99% of the things I've ever done to make anyone upset, is just trying to literally exist. And the guilt I feel for doing anything wrong is so incredibly strong it takes over my entire being.
If existing is an issue, I don't want to exist.
I truly don't believe I do anything inherently wrong or evil or mean or anything like that. I KNOW I'm not mean, I rarely even THINK bad things about people, let alone say them. How come mean people are more liked than nice people just for being more extroverted?
I mean yeah, I get it, I'm boring as fuck. No one has to tell me that again, I know it's true and there's nothing much else I can do about it. I drink caffeine so I can try to be a little more entertaining, but I still lose all of my social battery and it's hard to make deep connections with anyone because it's hard to make conversation in the first place.
I just want to disappear. I really wish I was just never born so I wouldn't have to have created such a net negative in the places I've been. My high school could've done without me and my college can too. Just being alive has done nothing but cause harm to everyone and I can't handle that. The guilt eats me alive every day. I'm wasting everyone's time when I'm with them and eventually, they'll all hate me.
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GoldnSilver^^
Nothing is wrong with you for just existing, my sister is a bit like that too, but I assure you that it'll get better, mostly if you get out of your head about all the things wrong. Even if you don't do much or rarely act on things, try a new thing. See if you like it. You don't have to keep going, you just have to be distracted for a bit. You're not at fault for your personality
honeybunny
I kind of feel the same sometimes. I cannot recall how many times I just wished I didn't exist. But, I don't think people like us are the issue, or just exisisting is wrong. It's just that we care way too much about what people think. We think too deeply about if they hate us or not. How careful you gotta be just for people to don't find a problem within you, and yet still they find something. No matter what you do in this world, even if you are a saint, someone's gonna hate you for something. I think that's just how the world works. I think some people just have this habit of looking for something to hate, hence why it's always something new. I don't know, but I think this is the case.
Please don't feel guilty. Even if you have done something genuinely wrong, guilt is still a bad feeling that doee nothing but you eat you up from the inside. Feeling guilty does not help, it just punishes you and hurts you more. It's different with acknowledging one's mistakes and trying to grow. Or so, that's what I read in a book about self-care.
Humans are imperfect beings inherently. There's no way any of us can become the perfect being who can satisfy anyone and not make any mistakes like ever. Like, you said people are literally just making your personality an issue. That's their problem at this point. If someone can't get along with someone else's personality, it shouldn't mean that their entire personality is an issue.