* this is a fictional story.
my name is _____. and this is my QnA.
for a good while now, i've come to realize the impending doom that is trying to move on in life.
"did you end a relationship?"
no, i didn't. funnily enough, i've never even had a real relationship; all i had were some situationships that felt somehow intense in their own manner.
"what do you mean by that?"
during my life, i had three situationships in total. i had my hopes on with each one of them, and every person felt different; one started like a slow-burn, another was kind of a enemies-to-lovers and the last was just devastating.
"what happened in the last one?"
she was a friend of my roommate. we instantly clicked and simply couldn't stop talking and doing stuff together - we were inseparable and obviously i couldn't stop thinking about her all the time; she was in my mind in every thought i had, every music i listened and every movie i watched. but things got messy at the end.
"was it just a lovebombing?"
surprisingly, no. it was as clear as day that she felt something too, but... but she was confused. two major factors played a role in this:
1. she had just broken up with her boyfriend
2. she was straight.
"so how did things end? did you confess?"
yes, i confessed at the lake, the place we really loved going to. i told her about my feelings, how i loved everything about her, and that i wanted to be with her, romantically. she simply... listened, with her eyes widened and clearly blushing - it was obvious she didn't know what to say; my heart-rate was probably in the thousands, and i just couldn't stop... looking at her lips. and then her eyes. over and over.
she finally said something, and it was just her explaining how confused she was - "i appreciate you and your feelings... i.. i... it's just... i just don't know. i really, really don't know". after saying those things, she grabbed my hand, caressing it with so much love, and yet... it wasn't. maybe i misunderstood everything in the end. but it was the way she was looking at me that made me create so much hope, i... i'd never felt so desired as i did in that moment. the way her eyes were directly embracing me, it was just so, so intimate; way more than how a friend about-to-decline your confession would.
and yet, she declined. via text a day later.
"how do you feel about it now?"
nothing much. as i said, it was a situationship, and therefore no need for me to think too much about it; but i can't say that i don't miss her sometimes, especially her friendship. it's funny how two people who are really close to each other can become strangers so quickly.
"so what are you trying to move on from?"
i... i don't really know. i guess that wasn't the answer you were expecting, was it?
it's just that i know something's lost. i grieve for something i can't name, a feeling i don't know how to express. it's been a while since i started feeling like this.
"would you mind elaborating more?"
sure, i'll try my best. it's like... walking in a rush to reach a certain destination, only to realize you forgot where you were heading to; your memory suddenly goes blank and you stay there thinking about it. i used to love eating boterkoek while reading my favorite book, but after some time, neither the cake nor the book felt interesting anymore - suddenly, boterkoek wasn't as delicious and that book wasn't my favorite either, and i could no longer just pick another one and say "hey, this is my favorite". i used to love drawing, i even had an account with over 30k followers back in the day - but suddenly, i could no longer draw. i could no longer paint the landscapes i loved, the scenarios of the shows i found deep comfort. they asked me, over and over, "where are you? why did you stop uploading?" and the truth is that i also didn't know; i just... couldn't. it was like... my hands were too heavy, and my creativity was completely gone.
"do you miss those things?"
yes, but i'm trying to move on.
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