Not my usual blog post.

Hello everyone. As it says in the title this isn't going to be my usual blog. 

For so long now I've been dealing to terrible depression. My hygiene is terrible, I have no friends in public, I can barely leave my house, my family hates me, and overall I feel very weak because I don't any support that is lifting me up. 

I tell my mom how I feel and she brings up heaven and hell and how ending yourself is a sin. That really broke my heart because is that all she had to say??? And even when I started to cry it was like she didn't care too much. 

I don't know why I'm still in this house... I always wake up to my brother loud talking, not just talking but saying vile insults to people he's gossiping about to his girlfriend.(our rooms are connected) I get up and leave to the living room to sleep on the couch... I get a good sleep and wake up again to him plugging that damn bright light on and starts to roll up weed while I'm in there, knowing I hate that crap. I tried calling his name but I realized he had eye phones in so I then tapped on his leg to get his attention...he fucking ignored me. At that moment, idk why, but I felt like I was dead. Like I died in my sleep and this the part where I'm seeing my family in ghost form...that illusion broke when I knocked on my mom's door and accidentally opened it when she was putting in clothes. I heard him on the back say "This dude acts like a girl" what the hell did I do for me to be a girl??? I was going to tell my mom could we eventually go to the park today WHICH SHE NEVER TAKES ME BECAUSE IT'S EITHER TOO HOT OR TOO COLD OR SHE DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT! 

My room is dark, my tv broken, my brother calls me out my name everyday, arguments everyday, My family blames a lot of things in me...  I'm tired of the fights, I can't take them anymore. My mom won't give me any help. I'm thinking of running away and going to a lake or going to my park down the street then go to the park... I don't know. Nothing is getting better...

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