Relief and Disappointment Can Hold Hands

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When you've spent months hoping for answers, you start imaging what they'll look like. Mine arrived as a PDF notification with the word "normal" scattered throughout. Then I cried.

I thought I knew how I would react to my MRI results. Relief if it was normal (that was a lie). Fear if it wasn't. It turns out there is a third option: sitting in my office crying because I still don't have answers. Do I dare say it? Devastated. Still sick. Still in the same position. Fuck.

It's hard to watch the world continue to spin and move on while mine continues to halt. While mine continues to add new symptoms, new pieces to the puzzle. More questions left unanswered. And before anyone says it, yes, I know a normal MRI is supposed to be good news. I know there are people who give anything to hear the word "normal".

But when you've spent MONTHS collecting symptoms like unwanted souvenirs, when your body keeps finding new creative ways to scare the ever living shit out of you, "normal" doesn't feel like a relief.

Since November, my life has become a series of appointments, referrals, medications, symptom trackers, waiting rooms, rude ER doctors, blood work, phone calls, and tests. 

Every new symptom has felt like another piece of a puzzle where I am missing the cover photo and half the pieces. The numbness. The tingling. The weakness. The fire feeling. The strange sensations. The visual disturbances. The moments where my body felt like it no longer needed to speak a language I can understand.

I WASN'T HOPING FOR SOMETHING TERRIBLE, OK.

I WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING EXPLAINABLE.

So yes, my MRI came back normal. And yes, I cried. (I am still crying).

Not because of bad news. Not because I wanted something to be wrong.

But because I am still searching for an explanation for something that is very real to me, something that hinders my daily life and fucks greatly with my hopes and dreams. 

Tomorrow I will do what I have always done. I will keep going. I will suck back the tears and put on my phony smile. I will keep on, keeping on.

But for tonight, if I am being honest, I am grieving the answers I thought I might finally have.

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