remembering past the blinding of being in love

hi before i begin i want to start by saying this will have sensitive topics such as possible sa (not sure), suicidal ideation, and anorexia nervosa. 

mostly just mentions of them. 

I'm beginning to remember things i ignored before, simply because i was so deeply in love. 

all the little comments. 

all the moments that felt uncomfortable but i couldn't quite tell why. 

the amount of times i was in his bed, preparing to take a nap with him, wanting his warmth next to me. 

the same times he 'joked' about taking advantage of me while i was asleep. 

he knew about me being sa'd. 

the immediate apologies afterwards getting less truthful. 

sometimes i wonder how i could feel so safe around him. 

i likely shouldn't have. 

i feel gross. 

i remember when he was on top of me, trying his best to get my bra off while i nervously giggled and pleaded for him to stop. 

we were together, though, so i understand that it's normal for couples to do. 

have intercourse, or just intimate moments. 

but i felt like we were too young. 

i feel so gross. 

i remember the sexual comments, never paying attention to me, only my boobs. 

i remember the weird teasing saying he 'bets i have a dildo'

i always tried to laugh it off but eventually i couldn't and i visibly shrunk a little each time. 

i remember when he begged me to do stuff with him, there, in his bedroom. 

his parents were always home, so i assumed that would stop him. 

it never did.

he constantly wanted to do something. 

i remember the first time we did it, i told him we won't do it every time i come over. 

he agreed. 

every time afterwards he begged. 

i remember after a few times, one day we did it, and after he told me i could go home. 

i said no, that i wanted to stay with him. 

to which he replied "why? we've already done everything"

i just wanted to cuddle, or watch a show maybe. 

stay for dinner, play a board game. 

but no. 

no, i went home. 

i asked him to walk me home. 

it's only three minutes, after all, and he always did it every single time before. 

he said he would but as we walked out the door, he grabbed his helmet. 

he wasn't walking me, he just wanted to ride his bike. 

he knew i hated when he did that. 

he did it anyways. 

it hurt really bad, that night. 

i walked home and locked myself in my bedroom, trying hard to not let my mind take over. 

i remember the feeling of lying on the floor, nearly throwing up because he was acting different. 

i remember him telling me i saved his life, that me being there gave him a reason to stay, that he had slowly been trying to overdose the following week. 

i remember getting him to quit. 

and i remember when he began to use again. 

i remember the good times too, but they seem really distant lately. 

i remember when he said i was perfect the way i am, that i didn't need to starve myself to be beautiful because i already am. 

i remember him telling me how wonderful i look with and without makeup. 

i remember him saying i don't have to be afraid to wear a bikini after eating, because im beautiful either way. 

now that im thinking about it, though, he only ever complimented my appearance. 

and only ever when i mentioned it. 

it's weird that i miss him so bad one day, and feel physically sick the next over the mere thought of him. 

im so conflicted. 

im so incredibly lost. 

i thought i was getting over him but i can't. 

part of me knows i never will. 

this is confusing. 

it hurts. 

it's making me want to throw up while writing this. 

i feel sick to my stomach today, yesterday too. 

im not sure how to feel or what to do, so blogging is my only option for now. 

i love the strangers here, reading this right now, thank you for reading my blog once more.