Telling a friend you're done working with her project

About 2 years ago, I approached a friend that runs a group talking session at her house because I was going through headspace where I was hoping for some guidance. I went to her next session, didn't get much guidance, but had an overall good experience, no harm no foul.

Between then and now, she's been slowly having me help more, and teaching me more and more about how to set up the space and and lead sessions. Its very cool, and I feel honored that she sees so much in me, but it's not anything I've ever expressed interest in doing. She genuinely has little support or help so while I was confused at the beginning, I've just sort of gone along with it.

(I'm a fawning people pleaser, yes.)

Now, I'm reaching a point where there's more and more poor communication --plenty on my part to be sure!-- and the resentment is growing bigger. I feel like I'm being handed responsibilities I never asked for or were properly explained how to handle, and then chastised because I didn't do what she thought was neccesary. And because I've gone along with everything for so long, I feel like she's leaning very heavily on me to help prop up something that is HER passion project.

The thing is, though, it's one day a month.

There's usually a few "go-fer" tasks in between meetings, but technically, it is only one day a month that I'm being asked to dedicate to this. And, it is incredibly important and helpful to for the people she hold these meeting for! There's no one else in her specific community that holds space like this. And I genuinely do like her! She's a wonderful lady who's been through a lot in life, and just wants to help people, which is incredible and admirable!

It's.... it's just not where I'm at right now, though. I feel like I'm drowning in the day to day WITHOUT this being on my plate, and with this, I feel like I periodically get pulled under the waves. I don't feel like I'm getting any personal growth from this, even though I participate, and I don't anticipate that changing any time soon.

There's just so many people that have stories that are like "Oh, even though I didn't want to at the beginning, this is the best thing I've ever done and I'm so happy I stuck it out", and I don't want this to be that situation. However, I also know that people stay in bad jobs and bad relationships because they're hoping that around the next turn it will get better.

Maybe this is teaching me to stand in my own to feet and have confidence in myself and to take charge of my own situation when I'm without guidance? I am pretty easy to push around, and I know situations like these are usually ones you get lessons from, and you don't realize it until long after. It just feels like I've been thrown into the deep end and am being taught to swim through interpretive dance. Maybe I'm just a fucking child, though and need someone to hold my hand through everything. I don't know.

She always wants me to be flexible with my days, and doesn't understand when I can't (she doesn't work). She's made me solely responsible for some of the supply aspects of these meeting and has wanted me to forge my own contacts to get what we need, which took three botched attempts to finally get her to tell me in plain words what she wanted.

I don't want to leave her in the lurch because there really is no one else to step into my place, but I also don't want to be doing this anymore. It's such important work, but all I get out of it is stress, headaches, and occasionally a sunburn. But for one day a month, might that not be worth it to make sure other people get the community support they need?

I might be willing to come back later, after I figure out how handle other aspects of my life better, but I also know there's no waiting for the "perfect time" --it doesn't exist. So why not now, when I'm messy and struggling? I'm already stressed and miserable and don't want to do anything ever anyway,  so why should this be any different?

Fuck, man. I dunno. I just hate to disappoint people.