thoughts (kinda vent but not purposefully)

(sry if this/i sound weird i dont know what wrong w me, also sry its really incoherent, im not good at explaining my thoughts n feelings)

its so weird to think im a real person and im living a real life with other real people, sometimes i forget that things r real n life isnt some simulation, not in a conspiracy way but like i feel like im jst playing a game n im a character and eventually the game will end n i can go do other things but then i stare at my cats or friends n have the realization that they r real so i am also n pls dont think i tried living things in my life like characters bc i dont, its jst i dont feel real like im jst playing my char to help the plot, im not a person (or ig i dont feel like a person 😭 ??) n when i remember for a lil bit, its a lil scary to think about how i have to keep “playing the game”/ living n be real, like i actually have to try to help myself live, i cant depend on others so help me (n/or rot n wait for som1 to help me) i mean i knew this before but ive jst been ignoring this fact n it wasnt so hard to ignore when it seemed i still had so much time to breath n keep clicking thru my “simulation”, its easier to pretend things at real so i can ignore stressful things in my life n not feel so guilty for being so useless n stupid, its scary how ive been alive for 17 yrs n i still feel 5 like nothing feels different, maybe im worse n stupider w age but idk, it feels like no time has passed at all like i can barely remember anything that has happened in my life, it feels like im still jst beginning life, like i feel like i havent grown at all im still scared of evrything, im still hopeless, i havent tried to fix myself at all n i feel so guilty for it bc ive had 17 yrs to try to be successful n useful but i didnt, like a selfish person i jst ignored my flaws bc im too scared to know myself, ive always been my char, it feels too scary to even try to “be myself” i mean i dont even know where to start, i feel like i know nothing about myself or who i want to be, 

i mean this could be bc of how ive been masking my whole life to try to fit in (im autistic) n so now that i have to be my own person /wo others to base myself on or others to help me, it feels scary, idk whats up with the memories stuff tbh ive jst never been able to remember more than a year like junior yr barely ended but i cant remember most of it, i mean it could jst be bc im so used to being on autopilot mode so stuff jst jumbles together ?? idk 

anyways this prob makes no sense but no ones going to read it anyways so it prob doesnt matter, if sm1 is reading this, pls dont be too mean to me im not trying to seem “deep” or “edgy” or smth im jst sharing my thoughts about myself n my brain 

roz out