Trauma bonding

Ok so basically. Met this guy when I was 13 and we were tg for 8 months and it was amazing in the beginning but we were sooo toxic and jealous and fighting all the time. Then we had an on and off relationship for 3 more years but it was the same dynamic and even a little worse. Until recently I had found out that was trauma bonding but genuinely how do you get over that. I don’t even like him as a person that much anymore, the way he acts, almost everything he does irritates me or ticks me off when we’re normal but when we fight and then super lovey dovey after it’s really like I’m floating on cloud 9. I’d constantly work to get back to that spot but I’d have to find a problem or he would so we could do it all over again. I hate being around him but at the same time he’s the only person I want to be around sometimes, I don’t see a future with him but I can’t imagine him not a part of my life. The thing is, no matter how many relationships I get in, it doesn’t feel the same. I’m not trying to replicate that rls but I miss that intensity. Like “I’ll love you through every bad fight, screaming match, petty action, regardless of what you do to me” in my brain that’s devotion. We’d always say “let me prove how much I love you” I thought that was the most romantic thing on the planet. So now when I’m in a healthy, calm, relationship I’m not satisfied. I don’t even like the guy but sometimes I want to get back with him just to do it all over again. It’s like I hate him, his presence makes me lose my appetite, I can’t sleep, or even just relax because I’m so aware of him being there but I don’t even know what I miss about him. It’s really the way I felt when it was good, so intense. It really is an addiction and the line between love and hate is so thin, I feel like I’m on both sides at all times