Undoing the Wires

(tw: some venting and dealing with symptoms of depression)

Today, I didn't feel like going to the gym after work, but I made myself go. It was a good lower body day where I upped the weight on a few different exercises and did a full 30 minutes of cardio (sometimes I have to shorten because I need to get home and help my mom). Making myself do things that I promised myself to do can feel like sticking a thousand needles in my brain.

I keep telling myself that I don't have to feel a certain way in order to get things done, but it can feel excruciatingly difficult sometimes. It's like my mind is scrambling for an excuse, often pulling from different emotional parts of my brain that leaves me mentally drained. Then, there's school. I have no idea what I want to do, but I still want to be educated... I used to do really well in high school, good grades, active in extracurriculars that "looked good" on an application, but as life events have happened, my habits of escape have interfered with my responsibilities. It sucks, really. Like I can do assignments now, but I don't think I know how to study. I mean, I'm 100% glad I was never someone who peaked in high school, whether it was my looks, grades, and social life, but damn, I was always working hard to be what felt like mediocre at things I actually didn't care about. Not to sound vain or selfish, but I hate how much of my youth has been taken from me. 

I'm trying to be kinder to myself and do small things that will give me structure, but most days feel really heavy, uncertain, and I just want to hide away from everyone and everything in shame of myself when I fall short of my goals. I am going to see a new therapist next week since I haven't been in therapy for a while, so I hope I can get some of the help I need.