VENT: A 25 year old loner who is mentally losing their mind. Ramble/vent.

To preface this I've had anxiety, depression, and severe PTSD (I'm using these terms for description only since I question labels) since I was 13 years old though the severity of these problems has gotten worse over time. 

I came from a rather dysfunctional family and being an only child with a broken family I had to learn, from a young age, to be somewhat adult and responsible for my mothers emotional instability -- my mother herself having mental health problems -- mental health problems running in the family.

My mother was a good mother actually; she clothed me, fed me, made sure I had a roof over my head, loved me, sacrificed for me, and I think would be the reason why I'm kind natured and empathetic especially to those who are suffering, and then in other ways she emotionally used me -- trauma dumping on me because she wasn't sure how to regulate her own emotions and because she came from a dysfunctional family having to raise herself, survive, teach herself skills, I guess the outcome of the abuse she had dealt with from her family led to her unhealthy coping mechanisms. 

I always appreciated loyalty and kindness even though the other kids at school would gossip about one another, take certain actions for spite and I never understood it. I could never understand why. Especially those kids that would join in to feel accepted. 

I saw life as precious, people as precious, fragile, delicate, beings to be gentle with, and to respect. I felt like an outsider but I survived high school, bullying, and all. I still feel like an outsider as an adult. I don't fit in anywhere. Not in any subculture, or group, I refuse to conform or mask anymore and pretend to be somebody whom I'm not. 

To be crass I don't give a flying fuck about Sabrina carpenter or people cosplaying rebellion and calling themselves punk while judging peoples appearances for being 'basic.' And I honestly don't care about the political discourse around punk because most people calling themselves punk, goth, whatever, are usually very young and only care about the fashion and fitting in or being seen as different and edgy more than anything. 

How do you call yourself a non-conformist and conform to another group? Do you even know what you're rebelling against? I don't wear labels and I don't care about shallow borderline pathetic subcultures that aren't changing anything in the world and only exist to masquerade rebellion.

I do not have time for small talk over trivial things; pop culture, what's happening on social media, whatever it is. I want to talk to someone and be myself without being so concerned about fitting in a box. Yet sometimes I crave the smallest amounts of social interaction. 

I'm sick but sane. More sane then the people who class themselves as the good citizens of society who work and whom pay taxes and watch football or play sports or who have something going on or who like to pretend they do for other peoples benefit (I've been there). 

I have no interest in people pleasing anymore. I see people for what they are. I have more respect for the homeless man then the 9-5 worker who deems themselves better because the homeless man is apparently a bum and  they're somehow better than the homeless man because they pay taxes. Fuck that. 

I see clearly albeit with a slightly faulty lens that sometimes affects my judgement. But my senses are intact. I'm lonely and always have been. I don't cry as much as I used to but still find myself fed up of the god damn world. 

Homelessness everywhere, crime increasing, data centres being built everywhere, 'climate change', water becoming 'scarce', the younger generation not being able to read or write, the economy destabilising, gender wars, consumerism, the political brainwashing online, corporations talking over, the amount of people who have their heads in their phones -- who live online, talk to A.I more than they talk to people, or who are like me and live online and don't want their heads in their phones. 

It's all so draining and I'm so so tired. I want friends. I'm sick and tired of the internet and I'm sick and tired of being lonely. I'm sick of having one sided conversations or talking to people who don't want to put in effort into talking with me, whom only see you as a tool to use, an 'aesthetic' to prop up to everybody else to make themselves look good. I never really hopped on social media up until 3 or so years ago. 

I had never had Instagram, never had TikTok. I only had Snapchat and Facebook during my high school days and even then I didn't fully understand why everybody was so invested and drama, so concerned about their appearances, obsessed with taking pictures and showing off their lives. 

I caved in because I was lonely and a hermit and I ended up developing a social media addiction to cope with my own miserable life. People like to deny that social media addictions exist but I'd argue those people are social media addicts in denial.

It's been 1 week since I deleted Tiktok and Discord and I already feel mentally clearer; I can hear my own thoughts, I have time to read, to sit in silence and take time when I need to without distracting myself with that stupid app and although my life isn't perfect since deleting the app I feel better. 

I want to live in the real world not a simulated reality full of lying money-hungry brainwashed capitalist influencers, A.I or bots. I'm tired of people telling me to use the app better defending the establishment on behalf of the establishment instead of putting blame where it needs to be. 

I had a mental breakdown yesterday. Sometimes the rage and hurt and sadness builds up and I burst. Psychiatrists and psychologists are useless because the sickness isn't in me but around me. I'm just suffering side effects. 

I'm an outcast that has outcasted themselves from society. I'm sort of proud of that and it kind of feels freeing but man is it lonely. Terribly lonely.

I suppose that's the price you pay for walking the narrow path.