venting

please excuse my horrible grammar.

im scared of being honest with my family
people will say i have bad mental health and stability,
and to be honest,
i do. i have a horrible mindset and routine, and i feel a pull towards depression that's been breathing down my neck. i don't know if it is depression, or the idea that i might be seen as attention seeking
but then what?
i'll have to go to a therapist,
i'll have to speak with the school counselor,
i'll have to talk to my teachers,
i'll have to have a chat with my parents,
and i'll have to get those sympathetic glances from my classmates.

my sister thinks im fine and my parents think my issues have died down. that i'm better. that i feel alive.
but i don't, really.
it feels dull, everything. i'll feel joy, i'll feel sadness. i do. still. i yelled during the fifa world cup, i giggled, i laughed, i cried, i still do, but it feels different now. like i'm not myself.
not in the, "i have two identities" way, but more of a, "I don't exist" way.
this has a name.
being ungrounded, where my concsiousness is slipping in and out of reality to the other side.
yeah it's complicated, it's sprirtuallity and shamanism, don't bother complicating it i dont give a fuck

i get upset that im bored but i can sit with myself in a dark room for hours. i can feel myself forgetting to exist, almost.
 if i stare at something long enough and follow a train of thoughts, suddenly everything is not there and it's only me and those thoughts.
i feed the feeling because it's therapeutic, it comforts me when im scared, it's always by my side, it's a shoulder to lean on, a cane to put weight on, a shoe to wear, glasses to assist, bracelet to accompany, person to laugh with.
when im bored and im scared and im sobbing by myself, that feeling of unconcsiousness is my ally.
im alive and awake and not sleeping, but i can forget about everything when life puts a weight on my shoulder.
it's the special person that i haven't found on earth yet. im either not searching hard enough or i will never have that special someone.

life is dull when u have to experience everything. and then the ungrounded feeling slips away.

i ground myself, somehow. and while my concsiousness is grounding itself, my mind is in my body and actually feeling.
feeling happy, it's the times where i can feel myself existing and breathing. it's peaceful,
for a bit.
then comes the panic. i can feel my skin pressed against my clothing, i can feel the heartbeat of my skin, my teeth in my mouth, my tongue, the squirming of my stomach.
the times im grounded, i get scared and overwhelmed.
i've tried to overcome it. to keep fighting and existing. i've kept it up for a few hours.
but then i find myself curled up on the shower floor sobbing my eyes out trying to forget everything. trying to focus on the gush of water on my head and nothing else. i run to my ally, ungroundedness.
then i get lost in my own parallel world. i love it.  i can be dull again! i don't have to feel my insides funcitoning, i dont have to worry about feeling my eyelids closing.
it's so pretty. then i get caught up in my 'dullness'.

assignment deadlines inch closer to me, calenders start lining my room, classmates look at me worriedly, and teachers ask if i need extensions. i begin to relive the bad memories. screaming when i see butterflies, crying while people yelled at a homeless man in a pizza restuarants, i remember the times i stand in the bathroom, silently screaming on why i have to shower. 

but sometimes being ungrounded has it's 'good properties'. i stopped cutting. the feeling of flesh peeling and blood trickiling down my thigh and arm began to scare me. i didn't like the feeling, i don't like feeling anything at all. and.. that's about all of the good properties.

my mental health isn't good, and i used to think it's because i have a secret i haven't told anyone. problem: i don't know the secret.
i'll see posts on tiktok that say, "That one secret that could ruin your reputation", and I feel like i relate, but how?
i struggle to shower, but i'm getting better (not really)! i have friends. my family supports me. i have a therapist for if i want to start therapy again (probably won't, ever).
maybe i am fine and i'm just overreacting. then what would that feeling of dullness consist of? happiness? what's the emotional source of that? i don't know. there goes the loop.
i don't know.

and i have to keep moving. i have to keep walking to school, I keep track of the date when i really couldn't care less. i have to write because that's what i want to do, right? i don't question that, i want to be an author. but i have to force myself to stare at text and type. i'm tired and i dont know what to do, it feel like it's a burden, another horrible task that makes me feel alive-- writing this.
i don't like talking about my feelings, it's embarrasing and silly, but it feels wrong seeing others speak up about how they're struggling and not being able to tell them, "I relate."

i make shitposts all the time, i act nice, i get good grades, i force laughs, i go on scary rides, i chat with the weird relatives, i hold onto conversations longer than i want to, i play with makeup, i stifle the urge to scream at someone's face, i giggle at adult jokes i shouldn't know, i read bl sex comics, i sound like a fool using slang, i listen to true crime, i poured smoothie on scientology's window (so fun btw), i binge miraculous over and over, i obsess over cat noir, i question my existence, i cry at sad movies, i wonder if he still likes me back, i question if i've lost interest, i worry about not being accepted for who i am, i joke around with my teacher.

it has a layer of 'dullness' covering it. i don't know what to do about it.
i still cry when im angry and upset.

when someone gets angry at me i want to explain, tell them how i feel, but my throat closes up and i go silent. i can't speak. i can barely breathe. the only thing my body can do is cry. i'll break down in front of someone because my body doesn't know what else to do besides sob. my mind knows, i can explain, i know why and what's happening- but i cant get a word out. all i can do is let my body shake, cry, and regret it hours later. i don't know what else to do and by the time i do, it's too late to explain.

i have a mask. doesn't everyone? it's weird, because if i let someone have the real me-- i still have a mask. i don't even know myself anymore because of how many masks are piled on my face.
i have a mask for my real face, and a mask for my fake face-- just in case people decide to judge early.

but i'll still update my stories and act warm to everyone because that's who they want. they don't want to real me, they want to 'good' me. so i'm just being honest to strangers so i dont have to be honest to them.
even after writing this, i don't feel like a burden lifted.

thanks, and bye.