I mean this in so many ways. I hate my thoughts, my mental state, my emotions, my actions. everything. It feels like my thoughts are everywhere, and I have multiple going on at once, making it too loud in my head to focus, but at the same time I have no thoughts. I sound insane. I'm not going insane; it's just my mind. We all know mental health, right? It feels like my mental health is gradually, slowly deteriorating, making me absolutely miserable, while it also feels like I don't give a care in the world about anyone or anything. Including myself and my mental state. I hate my mental health so much and just wish I was better, but at the same time I don't care about it at all, causing me to just fully ignore it for long periods of time, yet that just makes it worse bc it tends to bottle things up. Along with how I act. I'm annoying and energetic one second, then something or even nothing could happen, and I'm suddenly quiet, in my head. I don't intend to look for pity or come off as attention-seeking; I just don't know how else to word things when it comes to personal things. I can push people away, isolating myself willingly, though I can also desperately do anything to try to keep someone close, because I've never been good at holding friendships. I don't know.
When I go to put these into words, it doesn't sound like I'm telling the truth, and that I'm just making things up just to grasp your attention. It's not that at all, I promise; I just can not find the right words to talk about it. When I think about it in my head--my actual thoughts--it makes so much sense to me, or at least I understand the point I'm getting across, but when I go to talk about it or type it, it never makes sense, like at all. idk anymore.
I might have to start focusing solely on fixing all of my addictions, something, anything. I need to take my mind off of everything. There are too many thoughts in my head at once, and they're too loud, but at the same time there's one to no thoughts, and it's too quiet. Nothing's distracting me. Nothing ever does. Not fully, at least, and I hate that so much because nothing has ever distracted me fully, or enough to just quiet my mind for at least 30 mins.
I hate how emotions are felt through the body rather than just my mind or heart. I know that wouldn't make much sense, but I can't stand feeling my emotions physically in my body. I hate the feeling with everything either way, but there's usually a specific thing. I hate my limbs feeling heavy and weak: I hate my body feeling randomly energized; I hate my scalp hurting, as if urging me to just pull at my hair, hit my head, rip out hair again: I hate that fucking tingling and almost itching-like sensation in the one area where self-inflicted things happen, making me want to relapse again. Those are all 'cringe,' and I know it, but one was a very strong old habit that wants to come back every time with a couple of emotions, 1 particularly stronger than the rest. The others that I mentioned are just the ones I hate the most, specifically the tingly sensation, but I hate everything I feel in my body with emotions in general.
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GerardKaulitz483
i know how that tingly sensation feels bro, even tho ive been clean for like around 7 months, its always been in the back of my head, always there but never something i always notice, i dont get the tingly on my head, but more so my arms and legs since obviously thats where i used to sh, and the 30th and 31st was hard for me, i was alone for halloween until later in the day, while the rest of the day all did was stay in bed, on my ohone or computer, and i was listening or watching videos on my tv, and both days i had the want to do it again for reasons, but i also just get them for no reason, and im able to just not do it, hold on for a while longer but highschool is making me feel worse, like my body always hurts and im tired all the time, while at school i obviously act how i normaly do, annoying and whatever but at home, im always in my room, quiet, and just a bit sad, but plz man, dont relapse ☹ im glad i didnt
I'm trying twin hs is gen killing me but its not even js hs its like everything in my life and that stupid tingly thing has been happening for longer periods of times recently and oh my god i hate it
by _dffl; ; Report
honeybunny
I genuinely wish the best for you and hope you can find the ways to help yourself. I understand what you are saying and it's not non-sensical to me. I seriously don't know what to say but I read this and I genuinely really really wanted to help. But I am not really good at this kind of thing. I wanted to say something nice to make you feel better. I hope I have done it right. And you don't seem attention seeking or cringe to me at all.
thank you, little things help more than big actions, so it did help me a little. Have a good day <33
by _dffl; ; Report