I must attend a funeral this weekend. One particular cousin will definitely attend, although nobody really wants them to. No matter the event, this person loudly brings up their beliefs about Flat Earth Science (their term, not mine), the "stupidity of liberals" (again, their words), and other beliefs I won't mention here. A few years ago, they nearly caused a fight at the wake for a gay relative (I won't repeat what he said), so I am one of many trying to think of strategies that would mitigate his disruptive presence.
To be clear, some have tried to dissuade him from coming, but I know that won't work. If anything, it'll give my loud and highly inappropriate cousin even greater reason to say more outrageous things.
How would you deal with such a person so that no friction is created at a time when solemn peace is required?
Well they still have a right to be there and pay their respects so I would just be polite but a bit distant. If they start annoying you say something like that "I have to go do something real quick, will you excuse me? " 😄
bring a bag of dum dums and limit your entire repertoire of available phrases to just one: "I'm very sorry about that... do you want a lollipop?"
in all seriousness, sorry, there's not really a good fix other than polite smiles and keeping busy with others that are there
I would avoid debating them on anything, since that seems to be what they want
As someone who works in mental healthcare, this sounds like someone with some deep issues that they think gaining immense attention will resolve. Possibly oppositional defiance disorder (ODD) if asking them to stop only makes it worse.
With people like this, it’s imperative that everyone around give this person as little attention as possible. This, unfortunately, is extremely difficult to coordinate.
With ODD (if this person has it), giving choices is the only intervention that may make a difference. This is often used in gentle parenting. You present two options that are desirable to you so they can choose between them and feel in control. This works great with kids; I’m not sure how well it works with adults, but you can try it. For example, “hey this isn’t really the appropriate place to be making these comments. Would you like to step outside with me and vent there instead? Or maybe take a quick walk around the building to help clear your head?” If they choose to vent to you, you just have to listen and not argue.
Since many other people are there, this probably won’t work very well — they have plenty of people to get reactions from. But if you can somehow let others know to react as little as possible, you might have a chance.
Good luck!
@ᖇᨵׁׅ꯱ꮛ✨ Now that is interesting. While it could definitely be some kind of issue, I must also mention that he gets his "news" from fringe websites laden with conspiracy theories and fears about "those people" where "those people" are whoever they are targeting for the day. I'm certain he wears a tinfoil hat when at home. Why? Well, knowing that such sites are shunned by those possessing intelligence and common sense, his expressions of intolerance are guaranteed to upset others.
@RWARwriter It can certainly be both :)
I totally agree with you, Rose and reverie99
I've also worked with a bunch of kids/young adults with emotional outbursts like you described.
The best response is to put the behavior on extinction---no attention, no argument, no audience, and no emotional reaction when he escalates.
Any attention, good or bad, can become rewarding when the behavior is maintained by reaction-seeking. Arguing, disapproving looks, correcting, scolding, threatening, or getting visibly upset can all still function as reinforcement because he gets engagement, intensity, and a sense of control. That is why aggression will not work. It does not punish the behavior in any meaningful way. It just raises the stakes
It increases everyone’s physiological arousal, makes escalation more likely, and gives him the exact stimulation and reaction he is looking for.
I really like the suggestion of having people shadow him and then calmly escorting him out
The goal should be boring, neutral, immediate, and consistent: once he is (even mildly) disruptive, the interaction ends.
You cannot give a mouse a cookie with this kind of behavior. If you give an inch.. a centimeter... he will take a mile (and your wallet lol)
One of my favorite lines is "just drop the rope" (like in tug of war), no power struggles
Difficult situation when so many others will be involved, but the only reactions you can control are your own. Definitely do NOT give them the reactions that they want, with people that like to bring such topics more and more after being told to cut it out, it's better to not engage at all if possible. I'd just smile, nod, keep quiet and look for an out if they don't get bored and leave the conversation first. Of course that won't stop them from bothering others and getting fuel from their reactions :l Best of luck!
Thank you. Yes, he will engage others. Many do NOT want him there. Not at the wake, not at the funeral. The just want him someplace else.
I've become more direct in my old age. I would greet him politely for the sake of the day. But as soon as he started his bullshit, Inwould hav no qualms about telling him to fuck the hell off.
@Cranky Old Witcht
I hear you. The issue is that he starts with everybody. I'm just one of those who are looking to devise ways of mitigating his actions. The last time I saw him, other family members were ready to feed him an all-day supply of knuckle sandwiches due to some EXTREMELY homophobic comments he made about the deceased to their mother and father.
@RWARwriter and why would you want to play 'peacemaker' to other grown adult people?
@Cranky Old Witch Because big reactions are exactly what they want :) Playing peacemaker just makes them bored and move on. Truly the beat weapon is kindness in most situations.
@ᖇᨵׁׅ꯱ꮛ✨ pffft ... the big demonstrations are for other people. But I'll be assed before I'm manipulated into a peacekeeper role again.
I'd tell him very quietly and sincerely to fuck off. I'd resort to razor sharp wit fueled by the ling me ory of family, laying out what sort of asshole he is, if he needed further reasoning to step aside.
Then, if he's dumb enough to go after this family members capable of delivering on the promise of a knuckle sandwich, I'd make popcorn.
@Cranky Old Witch Nope. That will only fuel him and make a volatile situation worse. Remember, we are making the control of the individual a group effort. We're going to be like church ushers, but for just one specific visitor.
@Cranky Old Witch Girl you are so funny🤣
@Cranky Old Witch It's a group effort, not just me. Either a strategy is devised or a fight will break out. I guarantee it. Others fear that as well. For the good of everyone, kids in attendance included, it's best we come up with ways of handling him to avoid anything that would become the lead story on the six o'clock news.
@RWARwriter
If it truly is that dire, you get four of the larger menfolk of your family. Preferably those who married in and not as deeply in need of grief, to flank this bozo when he enters, shadow him, and ready to 'encourage' him to get either quiet or leave if he gets rambunctious.
@Cranky Old Witch That is DEFINITELY a plan we have in mind! And don't leave the women out! We will have one female Judoka and a female Marine in attendance, and both are just itching for him to try something.
@RWARwriter
You probably don't want anyone (male or female) itching to do anything to this guy.
Find four level people if you can. Let the rest know they are backup if needed
@Cranky Old Witch Yes. You are right. We need MUCH cooler heads. Thank you for that.
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