6/5/2026 - Dissociation

This is lowkey gonna be depressing but I am lowkey depressed right now so it's whatever.

I dunno what exactly is wrong with me but I have felt like complete garbage for a long time and I really hate it. I'm lonely, but not alone. I have friends but they feel so far. The only one who's closest to me is Lucas and even then I just feel so fucking far from him. He has many other friends and I always think he likes them more than me which isn't true but I still think it. So many people like him and are naturally drawn to him and I just don't know why nobody's drawn to me like that. I try not to care because, in reality, I shouldn't care that much, but it feels like I'm the only person who can't seem to just naturally make friends. They're always made through Lucas. They always like Lucas first. 

Maybe I am just taking it all for granted, but this is how I feel and I wanted to get it out of my head. I have friends and they're nice to me and we hang out sometimes but I always think about how 90% of them were made through Lucas. They don't really talk 1/1 with me and I stopped trying to do that a long time ago because it always ends up awkward when I start the conversation. That's also why I just can't keep a conversation — I'm awkward. I'm sure I put people off sometimes but I try so hard to not be dry, maybe I'm too NOT dry and it's intimidating... I don't know.

Sometimes I wonder if I even play that big of a part in people's life. I have this (small) nagging thought in the back of my head that I'm not real or that I'm just someone else who's in a coma experiencing a different life. The thought is made worse by the dissociation going on with me right now. The other day I asked myself if I was disconnecting, and wondered what they were going to do with my body in this life after I disconnected. I do not think this is that serious though because everything is real here to me, which means it is real period, right? Idk idk idk. At least feeling like a fake me makes my job easier because if I'm basically not real then whatever my coworkers and the customers are saying aren't real either. 

I don't like things like I did back then. Everything I do ends with one question: "what's the point of doing this? In the end, what do I gain?" it makes participating in my hobbies harder. My goals are so fucking hard to reach because in my head there's no point to doing anything if nothing about me is going to change. I can't fucking do anything because my parents are so careless and they won't help me get a doctor's appointment or apply to college when I have asked them countless times to help me. I don't want to have to continue relying on my fucking grandparents for this stupid shit. Why can't my parents just be parents? Why can't they just be there? Why can't they just SEE ME and CARE about SOMETHING for once? Something that isn't my fucking paycheck or my work schedule. I can't stop thinking about being a kid and having someone there. It's so cold now, I remember being so warm.

Hope things get better soon. I am just shouting into the void right now, it feels better when I know people have the opportunity to read this if they want to, even if they don't so so.