I think I have enough evidence to safely say my mother is narcissist. I do not say that lightly. Just the other day she was crying to me about how her cousin is really sick and was gonna die soon, and she just kept saying how horrible it was that he was gonna die having lived the life he did and how "she didn't want to die and be only know for having made so many mistakes". Like I could clearly tell she valued people based on their accomplishments rather than who they were. And that just feels... really shallow? Am I naive for thinking that? Like, I don't know, I've always believed that a person can make accomplishments, but accomplishments don't make a person. You can do many things and still be a shitty person.
And my mother has always been like this. She has told me she had me just to prove to other people that she could be a mother. I've always had this pressure put on me to be "accomplished", at least by her definition. It's like a competition to her. A couple months ago my mom bought baby stuff for my brother and his girlfriend since they're expecting a baby. I heard her bragging to my stepdad about how she hoped they tell other people "(my mother's name) bought this and this and this for me". And again, that's such a shallow way of thinking? Who cares who bought it, I would just be happy that I was able to get them stuff so they have a little less financial burden on them trying to raise a child in this day and age. This is the same woman who always called me "ungrateful" as a kid because I hardly touched stuff she bought me since she bought me stuff she KNEW I didn't like. And when she does do nice things for me, she tries to like, bait me into praising her? I don't know how to explain it. Like whenever I invite a friend over for the first time, she always asks if my friend thought she was cool afterwards. And one time after she took me a concert, she asked if I felt "blessed to have these kinds of experiences". Like, how the fuck do I answer that? I've always felt uncomfortable when she asks those questions, because she's so pushy and trying to get a certain response out of me.
Genuinely, how did I end up being a more selfless and nicer person than my mom? Like some days I'm appalled by how mean my mom can be sometimes. And I'm the one who always worries that I'm being selfish and rude!
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Gaiety_and_Insanity
The most rotted and burning of concrete will always be overcome by the most resilient dandelions pushing through the difficulty of survival for the taste of life.
Nice job on being better
discmaan_
I donât think youâre naive for feeling this way. I actually think the way you described it shows that youâve spent a lot of time thinking about what truly matters in a person.
I also think thereâs a difference between someone wanting to feel proud of their accomplishments and someone feeling like their worth (or other peopleâs worth) is only based on accomplishments. A lot of people struggle with that idea, especially when theyâve spent their whole lives feeling like they have to prove something.
The part about feeling like her kindness comes with an expectation attached really stood out to me. It can feel uncomfortable when someone does something nice but then seems to need a certain reaction or praise in return. Thereâs a big difference between âIâm happy I could help youâ and âI helped you, now I need you to prove how grateful you are.â
Also, I really admire the fact that youâre questioning these things instead of just accepting them. The way you said âaccomplishments donât make a personâ is honestly a really thoughtful perspective. A personâs value isnât just their achievements, their job, their status, or what other people think of them.
I can imagine it must be exhausting growing up feeling like you had to meet someone elseâs definition of success. But the fact that youâre worried about being selfish or hurting people already says a lot about your character. The fact that youâre trying to be kind and self-aware shows that youâre choosing what kind of person you want to be.
Also, just a small thought: Iâd be careful about putting a label on your mom without a professional opinion, but regardless of whether she fits a specific label or not, your feelings about the way youâve been treated are still valid. It sounds like youâve been carrying a lot of pressure for a long time.
I hope youâre able to keep building a life where you feel valued for who you are, not just for what you achieve Ęâ˘Ěá´Ľâ˘ĚĘăŁ
I could've honestly left out the narcissism comment. This blog only shows a fraction of my moms personality and I only said it because I have read bit on npd, and a lot of the traits match how my mom is. Still probably should've left it out.
by xXsalival_magdelenaXx; ; Report
Iâm sorry if my reply came across as intrusive or like I was judging you, that really wasnât my intention. I shouldâve been more mindful because obviously I only know a small part of your situation from one post. Thank you for trusting people enough to share something so personal. I hope youâre doing okay and taking care of yourself<33
by discmaan_; ; Report