DISCLAIMER: this is mean and nasty because i'm Angry✨
i hate that this is what i'm writing right now.
i hate that this is something that i have to worry about just because i'm a femme person.
i hate that it's normalized and shrugged off like it's nothing.
i went for a coffee today—i stay up late because i'm on a weird sleep schedule and early in the morning is usually a calm time. there's no one outside, i'm never bothered i can just exist... usually. but that wasn't the case today.
so i go out (i'm a pedestrian because i like walking and cars are expensive and scary) and i'm wearing shorts—because we're in the middle of a heat wave where i am and even at 5am it's 30C (86F) and that's not even including the humidity which makes it even worse (WHY do i have to defend me wearing shorts? why because it's baked into my fucking dna)—and a tee shirt and slides (for the jury). i step up to the coffee shop, and there's 3 guys sitting outside the door, all leering at my legs like they've never seen a fucking woman up close in their lives.
despite my better judgement, i'm generally nice to the men at the coffee shop, i'm familiar with most of their faces and they usually nod at me, hold the door open and keep to themselves. in the last week, i've not had an issue going out at 5am, but of course that peace could not last. i wasn't nice today, i didn't smile and say hello, because they were making me uncomfortable and i was irritable to begin with. so i ignore them to the best of my ability, go inside and order.
one of them comes in after me and instead of crossing him to go out the door i came in from, i go out the opposite and walk around the building so i can stay as far away from these guys as possible. to get home, there's i walk through a few parking lots, then a small trail to this dead-end street (which has people who live there, but there's no traffic). on the other side of the street there's another trail, and everything was fine until a man popped out of it—one of the men from outside the coffee shop.
he slowed down to walk behind me and i was already over it at this point. so i stopped by this house that i knew to pull my keys out (because i needed to have something to swipe or stab with) and hopefully he would have thought i lived there and was going into the house.
he keeps walking and i wait a few minutes there until it's been enough time to walk up the hill (and to the safety of my house that i never want to leave again). so i continue on my merry way, music off, coffee and donuts tucked under my arm (because i only have so many hands), keys firmly in my hand.
just in case.
to my surprise (which, i shouldn't have been), there he was✨
sitting on the curb, waiting. so i turned down and detour to the main streets, looking over my shoulder to make sure he wasn't following me (i saw him stand and walk but i wasn't sticking around to see where), looking around to see who i could run for help to if things got worse—dump truck men and another man sitting idly in a truck, you know the epitome of safety.
by this point, i bet some people would hear this and be like "well.. he didn't do anything wrong." it's weird fucking behaviour. never in my life have i loitered around a stranger like that. and maybe he DIDN'T have negative intentions, but what the fuck are you doing??
i hate that there are people who would counter this with that or 'well you were wearing shorts.. maybe you shouldn't go out so early in the morning.. maybe you shouldn't go the short way.. maybe you should have SMILED'
because why am i responsible for how other people react to my legs? to me being alone? i shouldn't have to stick my keys between my fucking fingers ready to have a brawl on a stranger's lawn because i'd rather be prepared to catch an assault charge than get dragged to a second location.
i'm not looked at as a human first, woman second and i have to be okay with that, but they get mad when they're seen as a threat first and human second??
i am so. so. viscerally angry. for me, for every other woman/femme folk who understand what it feels like to be hunted.
all i wanted a coffee and a donut.
Comments
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VenusicTransformations
Im sorry you had to deal with this! And I really am over how common it is. I am glad that you are safe. And it is endlessly exhausting to be aware of how unsafe just being is due to cis men and violent misogyny that has been brainwashed into the populace.
ahh, i appreciate your comment<3 honestly i don't usually come to the internet to vent frustrations like this, i just see so many videos and other femme folk talking about their experiences and i have such a visceral anger, and then to do something so basic and be met with that is just—it's gotten to A Point where the audacity is overwhelming and i had to yell into the void about it
by majesstiqe; ; Report
This is what sacred rage is. I feel this deeply tho its hard to not sometimes need to yell into the void about it when its everywhere all of the time and if not for me or you for somebody else.
by VenusicTransformations; ; Report
absolutely it is. and i'm with you there<3
by majesstiqe; ; Report
LousyMuso
Ugh, I relate to this so bad. Everywhere I go, women are always drooling and trying to follow me home.
It seems that they are magnetically drawn to my luscious locks that resemble a proud lions mane, my fierce dragon-like eyes, broad shoulders, and chiseled jawline. It is so irritating how every day women just gawk at me and try to get my phone number. I feel so disrespected, like can't these girls respect me for who I am and let me get my damn coffee and donut?
One time I was just going out to check my mailbox and as soon as I opened my front door I was confronted with swarms of women. They were yelling things like "HAVE MY BABY" and "MARRY ME". It was so demeaning that these women would see me only as a mating partner and prospective leader of the house.
It's not my fault that I was born six foot tall, with a deep voice, and perfectly sculpted calf muscles. So women really ought to control themselves and behave when there are beautiful men around.
I feel for you, and hope that your next trip to the cafe is a lot more respectful and that you aren't harassed like I am.
ouu so close. next time try some basic human empathy instead of talking out your ass, hope this helps!
by objectkarma; ; Report
Beelzebub
I'm so sorry that happened to you! It's so tiring for fem presenting/bodied people to just exist and some just want us to just "deal with it" since that's just "how they are" but at the same time if you say "men bad" then they say "not all men" which just leaves us feeling crazy and even more not listened to. I hope you feel better soon and that he feel like he has a popcorn kernel in the back of his throat for all his chud life.
100%, and that's an Insane ask (tell) lol. weee have fuuun here.
popcorn kernel in the back of his throat was so creative lmAO 😂
by majesstiqe; ; Report
lmaoo its one of my favorite little jinxes/hexes to do and it's so good at giving you the image of how you want them to feel lmfao
by Beelzebub; ; Report
kaylvang.mp3.
Site Supporter
I am so sorry you had to go through that. All you wanted was a fucking coffee and a donut. This is not fair and you are allowed to be angry, hell I am angry for you. I've had a similar situation happen to me in the past so I completely sympathize with you. Men are gross. I hope your coffee and donut were the bomb and I hope he gets kicked in the balls.
i appreciate that! and ughjdgjl it literally has me feral that other femme folk are like "yeah.. same", this shit is so screwed up ugh.
by majesstiqe; ; Report
Witchy Cuban Crocodile
I am so sorry that this happened to you.
Try carrying an air horn. I keep one in my bag just for this reason. And I have actually used it. Scared the crap out of the guy and made people stop to see what was going on. A cop happened to hear it and came over to make sure things were OK. I told him what happened and the cop gave the guy a warning. Don't know if that stopped the guy from harassing others, but it certainly stopped him from harassing me.
that's a brilliant idea! and it could have definitely made him less inclined to go about and do it to others for sure. thank you!
by majesstiqe; ; Report
Gaiety_and_Insanity
Just a few tips for creeps like these bitches (It's not your fault, but I do want you to be ready because men suck ass)
1: Keys between the fingers aren't that intimidating because you already have to be close for that to work. A more long-distance item is more likely to get them to back off, like a long umbrella or a gun.
2: Creepy men usually look for something to hold onto, like long hair. If it's possible and won't ruin your sense of identity, I recommend cutting your hair short.
3: I didn't read this anywhere, but it's what I usually do. If somebody's being weird to me, I just act like I'm deranged or unstable. This can range from anything to speaking to empty air like you're having a conversation or making weird animalistic noises at them.
4: Letting them know that you are aware of them. This is more of a psychological method I think, bc just asking them some boring bullshit like "wow crazy weather right" lets them know that you are aware of their presence. Maybe it also communicates some weird other neurotypical subtext message, I don't know.
Of course I'm not saying any of this shit is your fault, I'm not trying to imply that at all, and all the above SHOULDN'T be necessary. However, because the world is this way, I find it important to spread information about ways to get these creeps off your ass.
me with a gun LOL—i'll definitely start carrying something (honestly i'm not above just walking around with a whole bat, i live close enough that it wouldn't be a problem). yes! i've seen so many videos of people acting deranged and stuff, and when i'm watching them i'm like "oh yeah, i'd totally do that", but mAN in the moment it's hard to snap out of that freeze response.
i absolutely didn't take this as blaming, and i genuinely appreciate these, some of them i didn't know and will adjust accordingly (and i hope people reading along will too), thank you very much!
by majesstiqe; ; Report
No problem! I like helping other people out with shit like this. Something I can recommend about that bat thing is either putting a sock over the bat so if they try to grab it, they'll only pull the sock off. Or, my personal preference, would be drilling screws into the bat so that it's spikey.
I know from my own experiences that getting out of the freeze response is difficult, I just hope that you're able to get better with shifting your reactions to protect yourself in dangerous situations.
by Gaiety_and_Insanity; ; Report
thank you, i appreciate this!
(and i'm sorry you relate, stupid how normalized and common this is)
by majesstiqe; ; Report
robin
-> "by this point, i bet some people would hear this and be like "well.. he didn't do anything wrong.""
absolutely not. well, not me at least, nor my fellow commenters. i'm glad you walked out the far door because if those three guys were together and one of them already started being creepy and suspicious, i get a very uncomfortable feeling that for whatever reason, they may have hoped you'd go out the door you entered through, that they were sitting outside of.
there is no reason for him to have followed you like that, to have slowed down once he was behind you, to sit down and wait for you to continue on your way home for him to then get up and continue. innocent, nondangerous people do not want to follow strangers home from coffee shops.
i know it's been baked into your DNA to feel that you have to defend your choice to wear shorts, to go out alone, to go out at night as a femme person. i am so, so sorry that you were made to feel scared just trying to buy some coffee and donuts.
reading this was genuinely really scary and uncomfortable. we have bred a species of man that doesn't regard women as humans because these men do not have humanity, decency, empathy, compassion, respect, self-control, boundaries or anything other than a selfish sense of ownership and possession over any and every girl and woman and femme person they happen across.
i hope you're doing okay and i hope the coffee and donuts were tasty and maybe brought you even a small sense of comfort. i wouldn't blame you for installing a couple CCTV cameras around the perimeter of your home.
the feedback is really heartwarming and incredibly validating.before this site i wouldn't have said anything anywhere, but god i was so angry today (and this is the perfect outlet lol). the sad truth is that i've witnessed a lot of things like this where the poster expresses something and then they're questioned and put on trial, so when i venture into serious topics i tend to tip toe in a little defensively. but i appreciate the hell out of everyone being so understanding—and i hate that a lot (All) femme folk know exactly this feeling, but i do feel comforted by the fact that there are subtle behaviours that are Weird (and very blatant behaviours).
thank you! and yes, it was a comfort (definitely side eyed that coffee cause man did i ever Earn it lol). luckily, i live with a roommate who is a dude so there's a bit of comfort there too (and also another long sigh because men respect men's ""property"" before they respect a woman's autonomy, but gratitude).
by majesstiqe; ; Report
discmaan_
I’m really sorry this happened to you. Honestly, I can understand why you’re angry, it’s exhausting having to constantly think about safety in situations where you should just be able to exist and get a coffee. The fact that you had to turn off your music, hold your keys like a weapon, plan escape routes, and change your route home is such a stressful thing to go through.
And you’re right, people shouldn’t be focusing on what you were wearing or what time you went out. Wearing shorts in hot weather and wanting to walk for coffee is completely normal. The responsibility is on the person making someone feel unsafe, not on the person trying to live their life.
I hope you’re able to take care of yourself after such a scary experience. Also, I’m glad you trusted your instincts and made choices that helped you feel safer. I hope your next coffee run is just a coffee run, no unwanted side quests.
it really is. sometimes men in public are an eyeroll and sometimes it's genuinely terrifying, always a gamble it seems, which isn't fair.
you're 100% right.
thank you~ i appreciate your comment a lot! i'm home safe now and i hope so too!
by majesstiqe; ; Report
bunnibun7
sorry you had to go through that :( god forbid someone wants a treat!! I had many cases of being followed and or stalked, idk why people cant just stop, think and be a decent human being with the understanding of boundaries.
god i'm sorry, that shit is so (currently deep breathing behind my computer right now), i ✨hate✨ it for me as well as any other femme person out there. people deserve to exist man.
by majesstiqe; ; Report
reverie99
Nah Im not giving this guy the benefit of the doubt, that's fucking weird and I would've been pissed too :l NO ONE wants to be watched or followed. And its creeps like this why a lot of us can't just go out when we want.
bless.
it's was the waiting for me. and TRULY. it's depressing how femme folk would love to walk around at night when it's quiet and cool, but can't because it's dangerous and they're literally being hunted for sport.
ugh. i'm so angry.
by majesstiqe; ; Report
Más o Menos
Sorry about that, man. Sorry there were some weirdos. You were brave, dude. And not only that, you got to get some coffee and a donut. That sounds so cool. I’m sorry you had to deal with those creeps, though. It’s lame. You’re just trying to get your stuff and make it home, and suddenly there are creepy people bothering you. I’m a man, so I usually don’t have to deal with people staring at me like that. But you never know, sometimes they do attack. And all your, all your senses are geared up, and all you were trying to do was get the taste of coffee and chill with your morning vibes. It's so rude.
yeah it's truly a Time out here lol
ty, ty!
by majesstiqe; ; Report
Aaron Phantasmic
Super scary :( because if he were a normal human, he'd try talking to you at the public place instead of trying to find where you live.
That is SUPER scary, I don't see anyone playing devil's advocate for that. All we can do is *hope* that he's just awkward at getting to know people? It's 100% certain that his motivation was feeling horny towards you - so, knowing that, *hopefully* he's actually a kind, wonderful person who just wanted another chance to chat with you, in hopes of becoming friends or something - but he approached it SUPER incorrectly and honestly that's probably illegal to hunt someone like that. Therefore, when I try to imagine what I would do next if I were in your shoes... It seems like there are virtually no options :( except, like, moving away somewhere or, like, never go outside unaccompanied :(
SteadmanSlick
The "What were you wearing?" line of questioning after telling someone how you were harrased is always disgusting, and is always excusitory of perpetrators. The art exhibit of the same name is proof as much that it's never the fault of the woman's clothing, the issue is always inside the person staring. It's a horrible thing that your fears are 100% reasonable, and still some people would be more quick to come to the man's defence in the story. I'm never upset when a woman tells me she hates men, because every woman I know has a story. I'm sorry this happened to you.
honestly, it's such a tired argument. and absolutely 100%! i say that i 'hate men' a lot, and i really don't hate all men, i know that there's kind, compassionate folks out there who are just as tired to be thrown in (because they can't distinguish between the shitty either), and that percentage of men is never who i'm shitting on when i say that, but yall know lol. it's the ones who get all riled up and it's like .. eee:/
i appreciate you listening, ty
by majesstiqe; ; Report
M
Reading this truly made me feel angry too. With bad intentions or not, lingering around and following a woman still screams odd behavior. Because why would you even do that, even to a familiar face you've seen in the cafe? I firmly believe any man who acts like showing skin is an invitation for them to harass women needs to get their nuts kicked. Overall, still glad you're safe and got your coffee and donut despite the awful experience.
that is so incredibly validating, thank you.
i'm around too many people who "yes, BUT" and play devil's advocate and i'm so exhausted by it. i genuinely (and i bet this goes for a lot of femme folk) am so tired of being scared to simply be.
i did get my treats, and am enjoying them which is nice~
by majesstiqe; ; Report
I don't like these type of people at all. In most cases, they make you feel like you're the problem, or the paranoid one. Enjoy your treats!!
by M; ; Report
coolangiestan
that such a scary and horrible experience im so sorry you went through that :( its so disgusting he thought he had to right to do that
it really wasn't as bad as it could have been, a lot of people got it worse, but mAN today was not the day.
i appreciate your comment though, thank you for reading my angry babbles🙏
by majesstiqe; ; Report
blndsndoll4mj
ew men are weirdd